The First 100 Days | Widow Diaries

The first 100 days of a President's tenure are always heavily documented by the media. They analyze his achievements, his failures, his progress, and the impact of every decision he's made. I don't plan to analyze every decision I've made in the past 100 days, but here's the good, the bad, and the ugly.

T H E  G O O D

• Rob had a financial plan for me that I was unaware of. He planned for the possibility that he could die and leave me alone. Not many 28 year olds are wise enough to think in this way, and I will be grateful for his deep love for me for the rest of my life. 
• Completed Redman 70.3 triathlon 3 weeks after Rob's accident. I still look back and wonder how on earth?!
• I took 2nd place overall female in a sprint triathlon in October.
• Earned a 5K PR on Thanksgiving,
• We vacationed to Colorado and it was perfect and refreshing for me and Josiah.
• I've done so well with bookings this fall that I bought my very first brand new camera. I've always only ever had used and refurbished cameras in the past, so this was exciting.

T H E  B A D

• I still need help with so many basic things. To do lists feel like mountains I can't climb solo. I feel like I should be able to do these things by now, but then I'm gently reminded that it's only been 3 months. It feels like 10 years.
• I get a deep, sick feeling in my gut whenever I see couples happily together and having fun. I don't have the capacity to be happy for them right now, which sounds like such a jerk thing to say. It won't always be this way.
• Every night going to bed feels like the most earth shattering loneliness you can possibly imagine. I long so deeply to feel his strong, comforting, reassuring arms wrapped around me.

T H E  U G L Y

• Coming home from small group and Josiah is having the ultimate meltdown. I sense that it's different and ask him if he doesn't wanna go home because Daddy isn't there. He let out a wail and started sobbing. And he asked if we could go visit Daddy's grave because he misses him so bad. We wept together until it was his bedtime. Thankfully these moments are few and they don't last long. But man, to see him hurting is worse than anything. I am carried by the knowledge that kids are resilient and that the way our grief feels today, is not going to feel this way forever.

Lastly I'll leave you with a dream I recently had. I ask God often for dreams of Rob, and they never happen. I've had one dream, and I hold onto it like a great treasure, but the rest of the time has been silent. This dream had such an impact on my grieving heart, and it's worth sharing.

I was getting ready for my wedding, and I kept thinking about how exciting it was that my life was finally moving forward. I couldn't remember who was photographing my wedding and I called all of my friends asking who I'd hired. Finally, my friend Kristina said she was the one and she was on her way. The ceremony was outdoors, but it was beginning to get dark. My wedding party was waiting in this backstage area and I was given a bouquet of colorful balloons. They were brightly lit against the approaching night. It was then that I was told I was marrying Rob again. But by this time it was pitch dark, and we didn't have any lights set up outside for the ceremony so I couldn't see him. Then I realized we'd actually come together for people to share testimonies about how our marriage made an impact on the world. Before we got a chance to hear those testimonies I woke up.

I asked God to show me what this meant, and it felt so clear. Though I've doubted why we only got 7 years together, and what was the purpose in any of that, our marriage made an impact that I'm not yet able to see the fruits of. Hence the darkness. But Rob can see clearly and he has the answers - the beautiful and bright balloons. I'm so grateful for these rays of hope that God graciously hands me.