Finding Love Again

I've got Taylor Swift playing in my head as I type this...is it too soon to do this yet?

Part of me doesn’t want to be vulnerable like this, with something just 4 months in. Part of me is afraid to admit that I feel far more joy than I do sadness these days, because of the judgement I might face. I also know that I don’t know what tomorrow holds, and I’m reminded of the season where I posted this long, beautiful post about finally being pregnant after 3.5 years of infertility, only to experience a miscarriage 2 weeks later. But a huge part of me is just ready to embrace this new season and not shy away from any of it.

I never imagined it being possible to connect with someone on this level again. I couldn’t fathom my heart would be able to feel loved, because I swore no one would ever love me as much as Rob did. I didn’t anticipate my heart feeling the freedom to love again so deeply. It's been beautiful and surprising and fun and unexpected.

We met online, during a season where we were both ridiculously happy in our singleness, so it felt like a very healthy start. We were very slow, very intentional, and in no way interesting in rushing anything. But the connection we shared was just so undeniable. We were on the same page about so many things, and everything felt very easy with him, and I knew I wanted this to continue. Over the course of 4 months a LOT has happened, and I’ve learned a great deal about this man, so let me tell you just a few things about him. He deeply cares for my heart. He honors Rob in every way, he doesn't stray from wanting to know about him and about our marriage. He unabashedly loves Jesus. He is kind, and patient, so much so that he could easily pass for a Canadian ;) He doesn't get worked up about things the way I do. He's brought laughter back into my life. He's helped me find a smile that's been hidden. He is good for me, so so good for me.

He stuck with me through the one year anniversary when I was a wild mess. I don’t know how I didn’t scare him away. When he prays for me I hear the heart of God through his tender and sincere words. He is the best dad to his two sons, and even though this age for boys is exhausting (his are 5 and 7, and Josiah of course is 7), he is always playing with them and making them a priority.

So many times over the past several months I’ve looked at him and just said, thank you God, I don’t deserve this. I’m so ridiculously thankful that he was brought into my life.

And maybe you’ve noticed that I haven’t said his name yet. Well, there’s quite a little story, and you’re just gonna have to read about it. Trust me, you don’t want to skip this part :)

Once upon a time I was out on a date with a guy from eHarmony. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't for me. I remember him telling me that he tried Match, and had no luck. So in the middle of this date I thought to myself, I can't wait to get home and sign up for Match and see if it's any better!

I signed up and immediately received a whole bunch of messages. "Hey hot stuff," "Hey beautiful," "What's up sexy," filled my inbox. Exactly what a girl is looking for *insert eye roll*. But one stood out. He was inquisitive, seemed genuinely interested in me, and turns out he was a cyclist too. I gave him a shot and began talking. I quickly knew this one was different, but I wasn't giving hope a chance just yet. After a little while of chatting we exchanged phone numbers...and names. Because Match doesn't require you to have your name on your profile. He said his name was Robert. And that's when I texted Suzanne and said HELL NO.

Ugh but my better judgement said look past it and give him a chance.

We went out on our first date and it was amazing. I enjoyed every second and didn't want the night to end. Toward the end of our date he asked me if I found it strange that he shared the same name as my late husband. To which I said yes, it was definitely a little weird. So he said if it made me feel better I could call him by his middle name. I laughed and said okay sure, what's your middle name?

Andrew.

Freakin' Robert Andrew.

I swear Rob was sitting up in Heaven with Jesus snacking on some popcorn just waiting to watch the hilarity of that moment unfold. I know Rob had something to do with it. I just know it.

I asked him the next day what his birthday was, because if that was the same then I was definitely out. Ha!

Anyway, all name jokes aside, I could not ask for a better person to be walking beside me. And whatever the future may hold, I'm holding this season with the utmost gratitude. A year ago I could not have imagined that it would be possible to feel so much joy again. God has shown me such grace and kindness. Thanks for letting me share in the fullness of this journey, friends.