The other side was pulling me in a direction that yearned to let go; it told me I couldn’t move forward with joy unless I let go of the need to live in grief. And so then I made the decision. I planted my feet at the bottom of that dark ocean floor, and I pushed with all of my might until I came up to the surface and breathed in deep into a new beginning.
In May last year I was scheduled for my last wedding. I was thrilled…until I showed up and saw how beautiful this wedding was going to be. Cait and Jake chose some of the sweetest, most unique elements for their vintage farmhouse wedding in Ada, Oklahoma, and I was smitten with every detail!
This past year I photographed my last weddings. I knew that I no longer wanted my free weekends with Josiah to be taken away, and the income brought in was simply never going to be worth the sacrifice. I ceased advertising and didn’t post any more photography work on my business page, despite feeling like I was keeping secret some of my best work and most beautiful brides. However, I’ve decided to go ahead and post the final few weddings from the past year and a half, starting with this one from November of 2017.
I felt that ache of not wanting to leave the mountains. I looked at the giant peak in front of me and sensed Rob out there. “There will be mountains in Heaven, Steph.” I could almost hear it in his voice. The past, colliding with the present, reminding me to keep my eyes on the future. Eternity.
This was a question posed to me recently. I had made a comment about wanting to honor Rob and honor the past, but still live fully in the present. If the roles were reversed and I'd been the one who died, how would I hope Rob was living that duality?
I've got Taylor Swift playing in my head as I type this...is it too soon to do this yet? Part of me doesn’t want to be vulnerable like this, with something just 4 months in. Part of me is afraid to admit that I feel far more joy than I do sadness these days, because of the judgement I might face. I also know that I don’t know what tomorrow holds…
There is still great honor in the seemingly small life. But really, your life is never small, and what God is doing in and through you can't be fully measured this side of heaven.
Life was ripped from my grasp in an instant and death has pervaded my thoughts for 365 days. One year ago I couldn't imagine surviving. I couldn't imagine what life would look like, my life without Rob, a future without him in it. I feared that I was going to lose everything we'd worked to build. But yet I watched miracle after miracle in the weeks that followed. I experienced the presence of God in a way I never have before, and unless you've experienced tragedy, it's difficult to explain.
These trips changed my heart profoundly in ways I wasn't expecting. I didn't know how badly I needed to get away from my mess here in Oklahoma. I've cried nearly every day for the better part of 10 months, and for those two weeks on vacation there were tears only one time. I finally felt light and happy again.
undaunted: undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort; undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear.
This word came to me several months ago, and when I looked up the definition I knew this was my proclamation. And in time it has helped to shape a changing future.
I do wonder when I'm going to genuinely say "I'm doing good" when people ask how I'm doing. Number one, I hate that question because there are million different things firing in my brain when it's asked. But my only answer is "I'm doing okay." Which feels so fake, so safe. But its the true and honest only thing I know to answer. I'm not doing terrible, I'm not doing great, so okay is actually...okay.
Mary Beth's story is on this blog today because she has been touched by extreme evangelicalism, religion, domestic violence, mental illness, motherhood, divorce, and surviving the suicide of a very important person in her life. If her story doesn't grab your heart then you might want to check your pulse.
The first 100 days of a President's tenure are always heavily documented by the media. They analyze his achievements, his failures, his progress, and the impact of every decision he's made. I don't plan to analyze every decision I've made in the past 100 days, but here's the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If I could say anything to women facing their own goliath obstacles right now it would be "Yes. You. Can." Seriously, these words echo in my head over and over all the time when I am getting frustrated. A Bootcamp instructor in 2010 used to yell those words as she followed behind us during tough workouts, and it became my mantra over the years. I feel the conflict between the things I WANT to do, with the things I HAVE to do, and sometimes it's overwhelming and I just want to quit. So I remind myself, yes I can.
I've always tried to find purpose in the pain. Every news story, in my book, when I speak. It's just like, we had this really crap thing happen to us and we're gonna use and give it wings. You can't choose what life hands you, but you can choose how you respond to it. We've chosen to respond to what life gave us with giving hope to others, showing them that they can be overcomers too.
A year and a half ago, I woke up with a headache and loud buzzing in my right ear. I got up to use the restroom and I fell down. My legs weren’t cooperating with me. My right arm wouldn’t work so I could pull myself up the bed.
